Schizophrenia cannot be understood without understanding despair.
R. D. Laing
I came across this quote today, and I truly understand what it means, now, that is. I am willing to bet that I would not have really truly understood this quote just a few months before this. Heck, I would give you the money without even thinking.
Now that I am willing to admit and confront my love for the twins, I understand what the meaning of the word "despair" is. If I was just an outsider, I would probably just say :" They're mentally ill? Are they dangerous? Will they harm me? Let's call the police and have them arrested and sent to the mental hospital!"
But now that I realise how much I love the twins, and how much this family needs me, I'll say :"........" I will not be able to say anything, words would fail me, and they do. I would cry, sob, rage at the Heavens, asking them why they had to deal us such a cruel hand, and I already did. I would despair, wondering how I was going to be able to help them overcome this, how I would be able to handle the pressure and stress of juggling my family and my studies. And I still am going through all this.
I would worry how we were going to handle the bills, whether Mom could survive this, all sorts of crazy scenarios of doom and disaster running through my brain at lightspeed, and I'm still worrying.
The point of this post is to tell everyone out there, including Mom, Dad and the twins, I'm not infallible, I worry just like anyone would, I AM HUMAN.
To all the people out there, with schizophrenia and their families, even those who are normal, I want to let you know, that its alright sometimes to admit that you are human. And you should come to terms with that as soon as possible, if not it will eat you up. I kept this inside me for close to 20 years, and I know the type of suffering that comes with keeping up a strong front. So, just admit it, if not, it'll be worse for all the people around you, and ultimately, YOURSELF.
Now that I am willing to admit and confront my love for the twins, I understand what the meaning of the word "despair" is. If I was just an outsider, I would probably just say :" They're mentally ill? Are they dangerous? Will they harm me? Let's call the police and have them arrested and sent to the mental hospital!"
But now that I realise how much I love the twins, and how much this family needs me, I'll say :"........" I will not be able to say anything, words would fail me, and they do. I would cry, sob, rage at the Heavens, asking them why they had to deal us such a cruel hand, and I already did. I would despair, wondering how I was going to be able to help them overcome this, how I would be able to handle the pressure and stress of juggling my family and my studies. And I still am going through all this.
I would worry how we were going to handle the bills, whether Mom could survive this, all sorts of crazy scenarios of doom and disaster running through my brain at lightspeed, and I'm still worrying.
The point of this post is to tell everyone out there, including Mom, Dad and the twins, I'm not infallible, I worry just like anyone would, I AM HUMAN.
To all the people out there, with schizophrenia and their families, even those who are normal, I want to let you know, that its alright sometimes to admit that you are human. And you should come to terms with that as soon as possible, if not it will eat you up. I kept this inside me for close to 20 years, and I know the type of suffering that comes with keeping up a strong front. So, just admit it, if not, it'll be worse for all the people around you, and ultimately, YOURSELF.
