Arrgh! I'm sick and tired of this. When I look into the mirror, I see a stranger. I don't know who I really am, I'm tired of everything. Why are people always conspiring against me? Why are they always staring at me?Calling me a fat girl, an idiot, I'm not! Stop criticizing me, my behaviour, my appearance, everything.
Why can't 'Elm' leave me alone just for one night? Just one night! Every night, I will feel the tingling sensation on my skin, the fingers caressing me and it will call out for me. "Evang... Evang..." I can't sleep at night at all, it's getting on my nerves. I know deep down inside that it is this illness that still has a grip on my soul, my life!
Saturday, March 1, 2008
I went to somebody’s house to ‘play’
I didn’t like it at all everyone was
Dull shapes and I was the only bright spark
There was a police show on television
And I was shuttering in more air than the vacuum cleaner
I pleaded to return home
The cruel police is always after me
Don’t you know
I call the shrink Mr. Man
Because he is just so
He tells me I have schizophrenia
Everyone tells me it’s a catastrophe
I think it’s too long a word to be me
If I stay at home very tranquil
Being a heroine or a singer
I will get well
Because they have the courage I need
To stop myself from ramming
A jarful of baby blue pills down my throat.
I will, I will.
I didn’t like it at all everyone was
Dull shapes and I was the only bright spark
There was a police show on television
And I was shuttering in more air than the vacuum cleaner
I pleaded to return home
The cruel police is always after me
Don’t you know
I call the shrink Mr. Man
Because he is just so
He tells me I have schizophrenia
Everyone tells me it’s a catastrophe
I think it’s too long a word to be me
If I stay at home very tranquil
Being a heroine or a singer
I will get well
Because they have the courage I need
To stop myself from ramming
A jarful of baby blue pills down my throat.
I will, I will.
Misconceptions
People often have misconceptions about schizophrenia. Some think that it is a curse and has to be treated by sorcerers and faith healers. Others even question that since schizophrenia is penance for sins in a previous life, why should one go to a doctor?
Anyway, all these are old beliefs and can be refuted easily. However, there are other misconceptions that seem real but are in fact not entirely true.
Misconception: “Aren’t all people with schizophrenia violent?”
Truth: People with schizophrenia are no more violent than the common man or woman. Unless patients forget to take their medications, are using drugs excessively or have a history of violence, there is no difference between the “normal” population and the population of people with schizophrenia. This portrayal has mainly been spread through the media and if anything, people suffering from this disease are the opposite. They tend to be passive, anxious and fearful of others/the environment.
Misconception: “Schizophrenia is the same as split personality.”
Truth: People with schizophrenia are no more violent than the common man or woman. Unless patients forget to take their medications, are using drugs excessively or have a history of violence, there is no difference between the “normal” population and the population of people with schizophrenia. This portrayal has mainly been spread through the media and if anything, people suffering from this disease are the opposite. They tend to be passive, anxious and fearful of others/the environment.
Misconception: “Schizophrenia is the same as split personality.”
Truth: Split personality is actually an illness called ‘dissociative disorder,’ and it occurs when there are two or more personalities within one person. People with schizophrenia only have one personality. Schizophrenia is derived from the Greek word "split mind," referring solely to the split in reality that is commonly experienced by people with schizophrenia.
Misconception: “Dysfunctional families can cause schizophrenia.”
Truth: There has been no causal relationship found between families and schizophrenia. However, the more conflicts and instability at home, the more stress one experiences and the more likely one is to relapse.
Misconception: “There is no hope of recovering.”
Truth: Being diagnosed with schizophrenia does not mean that one will necessarily have a lifelong illness. Some people are able to improve and recover over time.
Misconception: “Dysfunctional families can cause schizophrenia.”
Truth: There has been no causal relationship found between families and schizophrenia. However, the more conflicts and instability at home, the more stress one experiences and the more likely one is to relapse.
Misconception: “There is no hope of recovering.”
Truth: Being diagnosed with schizophrenia does not mean that one will necessarily have a lifelong illness. Some people are able to improve and recover over time.
Reference:
Picture taken from http://www.rrj.ca/images/article/539.jpg
Information taken from http://www.macalester.edu/psychology/whathap/ubnrp/DopaHypoWeb04/anava_page_8.html
My Turn
Mom and Esther have been blogging a lot, so I guess it's right that i have my turn. I'm the eldest daughter in the family, expectations of me are high too. Before 'they' were born, I used to have all the attention, Mom and Dad adored me, but after the twins were born, I was expected to give up some of my precious "Mom and Dad time" as I called it, the blow being harder as there were 2 of them.
However being mature and grown-up, I soon grew out of my jealousy, I even helped Mom to look after them, like any good daughter and sister would. After time, I gradually grew to like them. But my love for them only really surfaced after I went overseas to study and I was feeling homesick. I called home and the twins answered, we talked for a while, and it hit me how much I really loved them, at that point in time, I really had no idea why I had been denying that fact.
Soon after that, Mom called me to tell me the bad news - Esther had a mental condition called schizophrenia. That night, I couldn't sleep, I cried the whole night. It feels good to admit that, somehow.
But I had to pull myself together, I had school, a job, but more importantly, I was the older sister, I could not break down in front of them, I had to stay strong no matter what, even as I was struggling internally to come to terms with this.
They say that twins share everything, I know we were all thinking the same thing, please don't let this happen to Evangeline. But who are we to interfere with Fate? We are all just mere mortals, capable only of accepting and grieving. Very much like gambling don't you think? There is a Chinese proverb : If you gamble ten times, you're guaranteed to lose at least nine. I don't like the odds, but I have no choice but to accept them.
Mom, Twins, I really have always wanted to express how I feel, but it was hard. This 'crisis' has made me realise that I could lose any of you at any time, and the thought of never being able to say how I feel is really scary.
So, I'll say it here, where the whole world can see it, MOM, TWINS, I LOVE YOU ALL. And, I'll be with you all the way, let's run this race together!
However being mature and grown-up, I soon grew out of my jealousy, I even helped Mom to look after them, like any good daughter and sister would. After time, I gradually grew to like them. But my love for them only really surfaced after I went overseas to study and I was feeling homesick. I called home and the twins answered, we talked for a while, and it hit me how much I really loved them, at that point in time, I really had no idea why I had been denying that fact.
Soon after that, Mom called me to tell me the bad news - Esther had a mental condition called schizophrenia. That night, I couldn't sleep, I cried the whole night. It feels good to admit that, somehow.
But I had to pull myself together, I had school, a job, but more importantly, I was the older sister, I could not break down in front of them, I had to stay strong no matter what, even as I was struggling internally to come to terms with this.
They say that twins share everything, I know we were all thinking the same thing, please don't let this happen to Evangeline. But who are we to interfere with Fate? We are all just mere mortals, capable only of accepting and grieving. Very much like gambling don't you think? There is a Chinese proverb : If you gamble ten times, you're guaranteed to lose at least nine. I don't like the odds, but I have no choice but to accept them.
Mom, Twins, I really have always wanted to express how I feel, but it was hard. This 'crisis' has made me realise that I could lose any of you at any time, and the thought of never being able to say how I feel is really scary.
So, I'll say it here, where the whole world can see it, MOM, TWINS, I LOVE YOU ALL. And, I'll be with you all the way, let's run this race together!
New Hope!
While there's life there's hope. -- Cicero
As I was surfing the net yesterday, I came across this article (http://www.schizophrenia.com/sznews/archives/005457.html) that says two new medications for schizophrenia had been found. I am especially interested in the drug called Pimavanserin as it seems to be able to reduce side-effects. If this is true, it will really be great news for millions of schizophrenia patients like my twins out there!
My twins are sixteen years old now, and they will be going to high school next year. So this year is really going to be a tough year for both of them as they have to prepare for their exams and study hard. Actually I am not very concerned with their academic results. What worries me the most is whether they could adapt to the new environment of high school and make new friends there.
It is a common sight to see people with mental disorders being ostracized by peers and even the general public. I do not want to see my twins become one of them. WHAT CAN I DO?! I really hope that things are turning for the better.
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