More Medicine!

We went to see the doctor yesterday and he slammed me with another medicine called Haldol. I’m already taking 5 kinds of medicine, how many more do I have to take everyday? But it helps to calm me down and for the first time, I slept through the night. For the first time in so many days, ‘Elm’ didn’t wake me up in the middle of my sleep. I feel so happy in the morning. But I didn’t feel like doing anything for the rest of the day. I just sat and stared at them for the whole afternoon, as Evelyn and mum walked around, busy doing their own stuff. I feel so useless, like a lazy bum. Why did I even exist? Only to be a burden, create troubles for mum and Evelyn. Even Esther has got something to do. Mum looks so tired. She seems to have grown older with more wrinkles. It’s all because of me.

I can't take it anymore!

Arrgh! I'm sick and tired of this. When I look into the mirror, I see a stranger. I don't know who I really am, I'm tired of everything. Why are people always conspiring against me? Why are they always staring at me?Calling me a fat girl, an idiot, I'm not! Stop criticizing me, my behaviour, my appearance, everything.
Why can't 'Elm' leave me alone just for one night? Just one night! Every night, I will feel the tingling sensation on my skin, the fingers caressing me and it will call out for me. "Evang... Evang..." I can't sleep at night at all, it's getting on my nerves. I know deep down inside that it is this illness that still has a grip on my soul, my life!

Why do we have to go school? I don't like school. The people are always staring at me, laughing at me, gossiping about me. Today I overheard Cassandra and her gang's conversation, saying that I am an idiot, laughing at my actions. They thought that I can't hear them but I can hear them perfectly well. They must be devising some evil plan to embarrass me tomorrow but I will not let them do that. Everybody in the school is laughing at me! As I walk along the corridor, the people are always laughing, laughing at how fat I am, laughing at how I walk. I don't like these people.
Lessons are so boring! The teacher just rattles off about things that I don't understand. I slept during most of the lessons or just stare blankly into space. I told mum that I don't want to go school but she says that it is important to me. What's so important about school?

I'm excited for this is my first time!

Hello! I'm so excited to be writing here, it's something new that I've never tried before. Mum say that I should write my thoughts and feelings here, share my experiences with other people like me, but my voices don't want me write all these down. So I don't know whether I should continue...