I'm still HUMAN

Schizophrenia cannot be understood without understanding despair.

R. D. Laing

I came across this quote today, and I truly understand what it means, now, that is. I am willing to bet that I would not have really truly understood this quote just a few months before this. Heck, I would give you the money without even thinking.

Now that I am willing to admit and confront my love for the twins, I understand what the meaning of the word "despair" is. If I was just an outsider, I would probably just say :" They're mentally ill? Are they dangerous? Will they harm me? Let's call the police and have them arrested and sent to the mental hospital!"

But now that I realise how much I love the twins, and how much this family needs me, I'll say :"........" I will not be able to say anything, words would fail me, and they do. I would cry, sob, rage at the Heavens, asking them why they had to deal us such a cruel hand, and I already did. I would despair, wondering how I was going to be able to help them overcome this, how I would be able to handle the pressure and stress of juggling my family and my studies. And I still am going through all this.

I would worry how we were going to handle the bills, whether Mom could survive this, all sorts of crazy scenarios of doom and disaster running through my brain at lightspeed, and I'm still worrying.

The point of this post is to tell everyone out there, including Mom, Dad and the twins, I'm not infallible, I worry just like anyone would, I AM HUMAN.

To all the people out there, with schizophrenia and their families, even those who are normal, I want to let you know, that its alright sometimes to admit that you are human. And you should come to terms with that as soon as possible, if not it will eat you up. I kept this inside me for close to 20 years, and I know the type of suffering that comes with keeping up a strong front. So, just admit it, if not, it'll be worse for all the people around you, and ultimately, YOURSELF.

My Turn

Mom and Esther have been blogging a lot, so I guess it's right that i have my turn. I'm the eldest daughter in the family, expectations of me are high too. Before 'they' were born, I used to have all the attention, Mom and Dad adored me, but after the twins were born, I was expected to give up some of my precious "Mom and Dad time" as I called it, the blow being harder as there were 2 of them.

However being mature and grown-up, I soon grew out of my jealousy, I even helped Mom to look after them, like any good daughter and sister would. After time, I gradually grew to like them. But my love for them only really surfaced after I went overseas to study and I was feeling homesick. I called home and the twins answered, we talked for a while, and it hit me how much I really loved them, at that point in time, I really had no idea why I had been denying that fact.

Soon after that, Mom called me to tell me the bad news - Esther had a mental condition called schizophrenia. That night, I couldn't sleep, I cried the whole night. It feels good to admit that, somehow.

But I had to pull myself together, I had school, a job, but more importantly, I was the older sister, I could not break down in front of them, I had to stay strong no matter what, even as I was struggling internally to come to terms with this.

They say that twins share everything, I know we were all thinking the same thing, please don't let this happen to Evangeline. But who are we to interfere with Fate? We are all just mere mortals, capable only of accepting and grieving. Very much like gambling don't you think? There is a Chinese proverb : If you gamble ten times, you're guaranteed to lose at least nine. I don't like the odds, but I have no choice but to accept them.

Mom, Twins, I really have always wanted to express how I feel, but it was hard. This 'crisis' has made me realise that I could lose any of you at any time, and the thought of never being able to say how I feel is really scary.

So, I'll say it here, where the whole world can see it, MOM, TWINS, I LOVE YOU ALL. And, I'll be with you all the way, let's run this race together!